The Toothless Biter

As told by- The Fan

Biting is not a casual pastime indulged by anybody or everybody. It is an exclusive domain of select few. One needs to be passionate about it and goes without saying, very young to get away with. As all experienced biters know that the bites with sound effect are best avoided at all costs. These are, invariably followed by some form of violence. There is a vast range of bite material to choose from but every biter has a particular field of specialization.

Purja’s preference for fingers, fat arms, stomachs and every thing human was well known having landed him in trouble many a times. His biting career had hit rock bottom. Adults around him could not understand this unique way of showing affection hence our under valued bite expert thought it prudent to look at alternatives. Since most humans fell in the category of ‘bites with sound effects closely followed by violence’ he decided to avoid these. But soft human look a like dolls belonging to his sister, though somewhat expensive, small and lifeless, were close ideal option, he felt. They came with fat fingers and toes begging to be bitten and bingo! They did not even scream. After some thought and a lot of curious desperation he decided to give it a try. He was finicky about his bite content and these seemed almost perfect. Just to be on the safe side though, he encouraged Pints to bite the dolls too, to which the official nodder happily obliged.

“Here Pints, bite this doll’s fat finger. See its so much fun. We will keep it back and no one would know. Bite hard, otherwise the finger looks as if a dog has chewed it. You must learn to bite properly or else it would not be nice for my image, you being my cousin.” Purja would explain patiently.

“Gnnabdr, dooo pa noo.” Pints would answer, chewing harder. He, being novice in the biting action was still trying to get a hang of his recently cut baby teeth. The end result was a messy chewed up venyl much to Purja’s annoyance. He liked cleaner bites being an artist of sorts. He would then give finishing touch for a clean perfect appearance. It was a matter of aesthetics. The lessons continued without much improvement with both parties indulging in a biting orgy. Though Purja was, somewhat disappointed at Pint’s low biting IQ especially since he did a pretty painful number on one’s finger, it did not deter him from job at hand. It was a question of ‘cousin in need…. sort of thing.

Least said the better, for Sesa received a shock of her life when she removed her dolls to rearrange the shelf. All the dolls, precisely four in number, were fingerless and toeless. One doll was also without a nose. The sound effect that ensued this discovery was enough to render every living being within the radius of two hundred yards, hearing impaired. Like a vacuum cleaner, the scream sucked in people from all over the house to the scene of crime. Seeing the effect of the deadly, champion of a scream, Purja’s brain went into a SOS mode. His first instinct was to resort to a stout denial but reason said it wouldn’t work. So he thought of checkmating the scolding parties by playing nodding Pints as his pawn. Boldly, he pointed towards nearly toothless Pints when questioned about the missing finger- toe condition of Sesa’s dolls.

“I saw Pints biting the fingers. He must have removed the dolls from the shelf by climbing up the stool. Ask him. Look he is nodding. Pints, tell the truth if you want to be a good boy. See Papa, he is nodding again. God promise, he is the culprit.” It was the truth as far as Purja was concerned. After all Pints did bite the fingers first.

“Yahyahyahyahyah!” Pints nodded in agreement. He wanted to be recognized for his newly learnt talents.

This theory had inherent flaws; one and a half foot nothing Pints had no idea what the stool was for, let alone, reach a shelf about five feet high and his toothless status, not considering four new teeth which he had recently acquired and had not learnt to use properly yet, made him an amateur chewer whereas, clean bites pointed to a professional who knew his job well, his father felt. In spite of Pints vigorous non- stop nodding through out the proceedings, he was let off due to circumstantial evidence.

“As for our friend, he was charged on two counts: incapacitating the dolls resulting in agony to Sesa and involving Pints thereby polluting a young mind. He sat in a corner in a darkened room, mulling the purpose of his life. Another career option had failed. He did feel though, a certain partiality was shown towards Pints who was big enough to shoulder responsibility since he could walk, but the elders could be irresponsibly unpredictable. The dolls never recovered while Sesa sulked and called him by derogatory animal names e.g. owl, donkey, dog, pig etc. But our friend was freshness incarnate the next day, having slept soundly on the floor in his home corner. He believed in ‘let bygones be bygones’, and move on. Only, little Pints kept bringing chewed up things for his inspection and approval that also included his badly chewed new pencil, pieces of his new imported scented eraser and his favorite red ball with missing chunks of rubber. The bygone theory’s application was flawed he found as angrily he chased, a nappy clad Pints around the house. ” The fan explained wheezing just a bit. It had been tough keeping a straight face through out the narrative while everyone laughed the heart out.

The refrigerator of really ancient make purred rather noisily. “Leave alone dolls, he never missed an opportunity to incapacitate us, the electrical appliances. I was spared because he considered me too important since I was the only source of raw material for his favorite crushed ice- bar with orange and lemon squash. Also I had given him a mild shock when he tried messing with me. But the Radio wasn’t so smart. Let me tell you about it.”